Coping with the loss of my babies

I am gonna try to collect every little thing I feel is helping me cope with the loss of my babies here as time goes on, as a reminder to myself, but also as advice to others who recently lost one or more babies and just happen to come across this site. It should be relevant to anyone who lost a child, either it was premature labor like me, stillbirth, perinatal death or infant death. Some of the things may the relevant if you lost a toddler or an older child as well. In theory it shouldn't matter if you are the mom or the dad either, although all people, independent of of gender process things differently.

The first week

Crying
To me and to many women, crying is the natural response to a tragedy, and is a great way to let all emotions out. There is nothing wrong or weak about crying, even for a man. After loosing a baby there is really no right or wrong at all, but personally I believe crying is the only way to let go of the emotions and be sure you are not storing it inside and allow it to grow and become a much bigger problem later on.

However, it can be hard sometimes to be able to cry, I mean REALLY cry to the point where it feels like your lungs and heart are about to come out through your throat. Especially in the first few days where you may not have taken in or completely realized what really just happened, and you just feel numb.
I think personally that the numb feeling is a lot worse than actually weeping uncontrollably. As long as I keep crying I feel alive and connected to my babies, compared to the numbness where I just feel like a fallen leaf. Most of my crying just happen spontaneously, but sometimes I feel like crying more than I am able to. It takes a bit of courage to dive into all of the emotions like that though, and for men in particular this can be extremely difficult.

After my dear twins Zoe and Kian was born, we were allowed to hold them as long as we wanted to and take pictures of them. This is a choice I really recommend taking, even if it seems painful when you know they are already dead or will die within minutes. When Zoe was born and I was delivering Kian I was thinking to myself that I don't even want to see them, thinking they would look horrible being born so early, and that seeing them would be too painful. Luckily I changed my mind the moment the nurses asked me if I wanted to hold them. Remember that in most cases you can go back to the hospital even after some days and ask to see them and hold them again. I wish I knew that was an option, cause I had to undergo surgery after birth and felt obliged to let them go too early because of that.

We also got a little box from the hospital, and I think this is common everywhere. If you didn't get one, and didn't take pictures of your own, you should ask for one. They will usually keep this for a couple of years in case you say no and change your mind later. Our box contained some more pictures, the little pieces of cloth they were wrapped in, tiny footprints, measurements and cards with birthdate and weight.

I've spent a lot of time this week just laying down on the couch, making sure it's quiet around me and that I'm alone, looking at the pictures, holding the tiny pieces of cloth to my heart, imagining they were still there. Touching and stroking their faces on the pictures, like I would have stroked them if they were still here with me. I'm silently talking to them when I do this, telling them how much I love and miss them, but that it is okay and I understand that they had to go. When I feel drained and I can't get any more tears out I put everything back in the box, and after some time I take them back out and repeat the process.

It's been 5 days now, and I am finally at the point where I can open the box and repeat the process, but feel much lighter, able to smile to them and just feel my love for them. I still cry a lot about anything and everything,  but being able to look at them without so much pain I just want to throw up my lungs is a very good feeling and a step in the right direction towards my emotional healing. As painful as this process is, it is worth it when you start to get that feeling.

Sharing the experience

I find that it is almost impossible to try to talk to anyone about it face to face. I just can't open up enough to let anyone in, and trying to do so just make me feel much worse. They don't understand and no matter what they say it will just feel wrong, no matter how good their intentions are. Trying to talk about something completely different to distract myself doesn't work either, it just makes me upset and angry when people start talking about everyday stuff or joke to make me smile and forget for a moment.

Not everyone is comfortable about sharing something like this on Facebook for instance, but I find that telling as many people as possible what happened and receive their sympathy is helpful too. When I do so on Facebook I can decide when I want to read my comments, and I don't need to continue a conversation, and I can hide behind my computer monitor and not letting anyone see me crying.

There are a number of forums online like www.babycenter.com where you can do the same thing anonymously if you don't feel comfortable about Facebook or don't have a Facebook profile or a lot of friends there. Just letting people know you are hurting and receive some kind of feedback that they heard you can be a very good feeling. If you do have a Facebook profile on the other hand, I really recommend this group http://www.facebook.com/groups/afterwards/. Some of the other forums are not really that active, but this group is absolutely wonderful.

And remember that in a situation like this it is absolutely okay to just think about yourself. Don't feel bad for posting thoughts or pictures anywhere even though a few people may get upset. I got some angry comments about posting pictures of Zoe and Kian on my Facebook profile, saying it's too hard for them to watch. I told them that 'you know what, if seeing their pictures is too hard for you, you should be darn glad you are not me right now. I need to share them, if it's too hard for you, then you can choose not to look, I can not choose not to remember'.

If you are experiencing the loss of your baby/babies right now or recently lost you are also most welcome to write to me. I may or may not be able to help you, but either way I will listen to you if you just need someone who really understand you. At the same time you will be helping me, cause talking and writing is my way of dealing with things. Write to me

Talking with your partner

First of all, if you don't have a supporting partner you may not wanna read this, but talking to your partner about is can be both very good, but also very hard. In my case I have so many emotions, some of which are anger towards him. Not because he did anything wrong, simply because it's natural to feel anger, and it has to come out somewhere. Sometimes I can't even look at him because I see some of his features in our babies. He is trying to comfort me, but that just pisses me off too, cause I know this pain is not just mine, but also his, and he should be hurting as much as I do instead of being so focused on me all the time.

Whatever you feel, it's perfectly normal and okay to feel that way. It can be very hard to tell your partner you just hate him right now, the last thing you want to do is hurt him or her even more. It's still important to tell them, just make sure to also say that this has nothing to do with them, it's just part of the natural emotional process to feel anger. Just letting it off your chest actually helps remove that feeling, but then again it depends on your relationship and how your partner is able to deal with hearing something like that. If you think he or she can not take it, try telling someone else instead, or write a letter to him/her and tell them everything you feel. You can give it to them or burn it, it doesn't matter as long as you get it out. Keeping it in can cause all kinds of problems between the two of you later, and even if your partner does not support you or even left you, getting your feelings down on paper (or off your shoulders somehow) really feels good.

Writing/keeping a diary

Another thing that has been extremely helpful for me this first few days is this blog. Writing down everything you feel is a very good way of organizing your thoughts and process emotions. It doesn't need to be a public blog like this, in can be a good old fashioned diary as well. Writing only for your eyes can make it easier to be completely honest and get out everything you feel too ashamed to tell anyone or fear may hurt people around you somehow. Keeping a paper diary is also good because you can use colors, draw things or just make really angry scribbles if you need to. Don't think too much about what you write, just let everything flow onto the paper. You can read through it later, and you may even make some very fascinating discoveries about yourself and how to proceed.

What I did when I started this blog that also helped me a lot and made me feel a million times better was to go back in time and write all my posts looking back in time. I started with the most recent, the terrible night at the hospital and the day after. Then I moved back in time, looking at old Facebook posts and my calendar where I had all my midwife appointments written down to help me remember. Step by step, day by day, I went back in time, trying to put myself back into what I did and how I felt those days. I remembered the excitement we both felt when we heard the heartbeat, the first kicks, places we went to etc (you can read all of that in my blog section).

What I discovered was that by going back and reliving those moments before the tragedy occurred, was that some of the pain I felt was replaced by some of the wonderful feelings I had before, and it made me feel a little bit better, and a lot more optimistic about the future. My initial response the day we left the hospital and the nurses said 'we hope to see you again soon under more pleasant circumstances' was, no way I am ever gonna put myself though this again. I will never want to get pregnant or try for another baby later, it's just too painful. That feeling too was devastating, the feeling that, no, this is it, I am getting to old and too emotionally scarred to ever have kids, this was my last chance. Going back to the day we felt the first kicks, the first sound of their heartbeats etc. made me think that I may want to try again afterall. And allthough a new baby can never replace Zoe and Kian, just imagining having a beautiful, healthy baby later on takes away some of the despair I felt to begin with.

Also, a blog or a diary is a wonderful way to collect memories, pictures and thoughts for you to review them over and over again for as long as you need to.

Creating a story

A friend of mine wrote me a message on Facebook after she learned what happened. She recently had a baby girl of her own, and it just happens her daughter is also named Zoe, like my little girl. She said to me that when baby Zoe gets older she is gonna tell her the story about the two little heroes Zoe and Kian. It completely blew my mind how this little gesture could make me cry, laugh, smile and feel full of hope and joy all at the same time. Knowing that somewhere out there a toddler will hear the story about my two little angles (a very modified fairytale version of the actual story of course) is such a wonderful thought.

Creating a story of your own and sharing it may help you feel the same way I did. You can tell it to your own kids if you already have them, or write it down and publish it somewhere on the internet for others to read, or ask friends or family to tell it to their kids. You can save the story to tell kids you may have in the future too. Just having a story and imagining it being told to someone somewhere sometime could help to make you feel that your baby or babies will live on in the hearts of others, and not be completely gone or forgotten.

Dealing with feelings of guilt

Guilt is another thing that is very natural to feel. We both still have terrible feelings of guilt, or a feeling we could have done more, or done things differently. Here is some of  the things we are doing to work with our guilt.

Personally I hate myself because I didn't manage to give up on my smoking and because I didn't call my midwife right away when I started to leak water, and then for accepting the doctors advice not to try to save them. All of these are relevant issues, I know all too well that smoking increases the risk of infections, neural damage, premature birth and a number of other things.

In Rob's case it's just a general feeling of guilt and anger towards himself for not doing more, he doesn't even know what he could have done differently when I ask him about it.

If you feel guilt without really knowing why, like Rob, try having a dialogue with yourself about it. Ask yourself what you think you could have done differently. In most cases you will probably realize there was really nothing you could have done, it simply was bigger than you or within your power to change. Whenever the sneaking feeling of guilt and thoughts about that appear, stop yourself and try to analyze the situation.

If you find that you feel guilty about things that you actually could have done differently, like me, you need to find a way to forgive yourself for it. In the case of my smoking, despite all the known risks, I know so many women, including my mother, who smoked through their pregnancies and didn't have any problems with that. There may be a slight chance it was the tiny little drop in a cup full of a lot of different reasons, but I need to tell myself every single day that was not the cause.

A technique I learned many years ago from a good friend who is an expert on meditation and mental healing has been very useful to me in a lot of situations before, and again now. Imagine yourself being two separate identities, one child and one parent. (It was a bit hard to begin with since I just lost a child and the association itself is enough to make me cry right now.) Let the child in you speak first about all the guilt and anger. This is your emotions, they are very much like a child and doesn't understand reason or logic. This is the role of the parent in you. Answer the child in you the way you would talk to your child. Tell them it is okay to feel that way, but that you still love them and that it is okay. (Like my mom used to tell me when I did something bad as a child, I may not always love what you do, but I will always love you.) Keep the 'conversation' going as long as you need to calm the child in you, and repeat it every time you feel the guilt or anger sneaking back in.

Finding purpose

This is deeply tied into your personal beliefs, but I think the principle is the same no matter what you believe, whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or just spiritual. Myself I am spiritual, believing in a mix of Buddhism, Taoism and other life views originating in Asia. Essentially, I believe there is some kind of purpose to everything that happens to us. Christians and Muslims call it the will of God, Buddhists will call it karma.

The first couple of days my suffering was simply too great to manage to see any purpose or even think like that at all. I was even drifting away from my beliefs, but I am slowly returning to them, and it really does help. However, if you can't, that is perfectly okay too. A lot of women feel there is no purpose or greater meaning in loosing a baby, and in a sense I agree, there isn't. And I certainly didn't feel it right away, but trying to find some form of good in the bad is comforting nevertheless.

Another thing most of us has in common is the faith in some kind of existence after death, may it be heaven, nirvana, reincarnation, all of those are helpful, imagining your child being at a better place or feeling their presence as spirits around you.

One of the nurses at the hospital told me to hold on to my faith, no matter what it is. At that point I was just thinking yeah, yeah, I will, I will, but the day after it all came crashing down simply because I couldn't feel their spirits or souls and I didn't feel any kind of connection with them like I did when my father passed away.

I read about other women who say they trust that God has a greater plan for their child, and I felt extremely jealous of them for finding comfort in their religion like that.

Finding the way back to that has been hard if not impossible until today. I've processed some of the first things well enough now to be able to feel there is a purpose to this. I will never be the same person I was just a week ago, and my experience and knowledge will make me a better person and may even change the direction I take with my life. Like I told another woman on Facebook, experiencing something like this makes us special, we know something about life that nobody else does, and this gives us a potential tool to change life around us for the better somewhere down the road when the pain is a bit easier to carry, both for us selves and others. I do not know the exact purpose yet, but just knowing there is one is comforting.

Also, returning to my beliefs I can now start to feel the love and their presence and imagine maybe meeting them again somewhere, in this or another life.

Here are some articles about coping with the loss of a baby too:
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/griefandloss/lossofnewborn/
http://www.babycenter.com/0_coping-with-pregnancy-loss_4006.bc
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/coping-the-devastating-loss-your-baby/82063

Going back to work

Some need more time than others to grieve, while others want to return to work and a 'normal' life as quickly as possible. A question I've heard often from other women is how long is appropriate to take off work. Well, that's individual and the best thing you can do is listen to your heart. If you need to take 6 months or even a year that is perfectly okay, but there is no rule saying you can't go back earlier. There is nothing wrong with you if you feel like going back already after two weeks, or as soon as your body is healed enough to do so. It doesn't mean you're a terrible person who loved your baby any less.

I planned to go back already after one week, but when the day came where I was supposed to go in I just couldn't. Going back to work can be difficult no matter if it's been one week or a year. People don't know to act around a woman who lost her baby. Some are really insensitive and don't understand that it's just as painful to loose a baby before due date as it is to loose a toddler or older child. Others really sympathise, but have no idea what to say, and may end up not saying anything which can feel weird, while others want to talk about it and can bring up a lot of emotions you may not be comfortable about showing at the office.

What I did the morning I realized I couldn't go in, was to call my producer (my boss) and he suggested we could meet, just the two of us, outside the office space. The reason why I'm mentioning this, is because it can be very helpful to meet up with a colleague or your boss or someone from the office you trust before you actually go in to the office to meet everyone. Sort of like a soft transition, plus it gives you someone at the office who understands a bit more and can be great support if it turns out more difficult than expected.

Second, arrange with your employer so that the first couple of days you are not given any tasks that involves more interaction with others than you think you can handle, and make an agreement that if you need to, you are free to leave and go home. Most employers are a lot more understanding than you may think.