Not ready to say goodbye

By: Hege Marie on 3:13 AM

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It's Tuesday night now and I am back home writing this, only 48 hours after loosing my babies. Needless to say I've just been crying and crying, sleeping and crying more since I got home yesterday.

Zoe's white hoodie and Kian's yellow.

They gave me a little box with their tiny hoodies, the blanket they were laying on, cards with their footprints and some pictures and I've been holding it all in my hands night and day, remembering the warmth of their skin against my chest, watching them being taken from my room, and I can barely breath or eat, just weeping uncontrollably. I have this huge black void in my heart and sometimes I swear I can still feel Kian kicking inside of me.

It's not even three weeks since I learned it was twins, and although I know I will be okay again some day it just seems impossible to imagine I can ever feel whole again after this.

Kian

People who never experienced anything like this may think it is a ridiculous self torture to write this and to keep clinging to the tiny pieces of cloth, but I don't even want to stop crying, cause when I do, even for a few minutes I just feel dead inside. At least as long as I keep crying I somehow feel that I still live. I was not prepared for this at all. I knew and realized everything the doctors have been telling me the past three weeks, but never in a million years I thought it would actually come to this.

Zoe

I'm not ready to hear quite yet that life goes on and that the pain gets easier to bare with time. I don't want life to go on, I want time to go back 48 hours only so I can hold my precious babies one more time. I love them so much, I never imagined I could feel like this at all. And I am so angry at the doctor who waited so long to talk to me about trying to save them, and in my pain haze convinced me not to do anything. It was probably the right decision, but I know this will torment me for a long time.

All I need right now is to write this and go through all the emotions and memories again and again.

Like the heroes they were named after (Baby names) they are my little heroes, but unlike the movies and games, in real life the true heroes always dies. My heart is bleeding, I love you both so, so much my dear heroes.